Work Update

Work is getting better, I haven't had any more meltdowns.

I'm feeling more comfortable, which is good. They tell you to give yourself a year before you feel really confident.

So I'll give myself a year.

I'm still scared, but hope that with more time I'll gain more experience so that I can be proactive, and not freak out.

Thanks to all for prayers and good thoughts on my behalf.

Love you!

Baptized by Hellfire

I did exactly what I didn't want to do.

I had a meltdown.

AT WORK.

(Luckily it wasn't in front of the patient)

It was a very chaotic day- and I didn't have one specific nurse staying with me and "orienting" me. A few different nurses would pop in occasionally and check on me to see if I was still alive. And I was doing ok, up until the point where the baby tanked.
(Ok, the baby hadn't tanked completely, I'd seen babies do this before, but this was my first time alone.)

The solution was real simple, just a bit of ephedrine but as another random nurse and I walked in to give it- I stopped and told her I needed a moment.

That moment lasted an hour and a half.

I have to be sincere and thank my Heavenly Father for all my wonderful co-workers.

They reassured me that clinically speaking, I'd done everything right.

That me freaking out right now, was a good sign-because I'm sensible enough to be scared spitless.

That this is normal. It might have been my first freak out, but it won't be my last.

It is the scariest thing in the world knowing you have not one, but TWO lives in your care. And that really hit home that day.

Scared. Me. To. Death.

Fight or flight instincts really kicked in, and I fled.

So I told myself- NO MORE. It's time to step up, take care of my patients, and do my job.

I'll keep you posted.

Just a "Little Black Raincloud"

It's my second week orienting at work.

(What this means is I've spent 5 days following an experienced nurse, while I pretend to be a real nurse.)

I am not just a little black raincloud, I am THE little black raincloud.

In a way this is good-I've seen some things that the other nurses have only seen once or twice in their 20 year career.

In another way, I feel somewhat inadequate. I realize that I still have LOADS to learn, but will I ever feel completely comfortable doing my job?

For example: I swear I have not had a single epidural run completely fine. Either Mom's blood pressure's drop to the toilet, or the baby freaks out and the heart rate drops. Not a fun place to be in either situation. (Plus side: I've learned the appropriate interventions and how to handle these situations-Thank the heavens for Ephedrine!)

Today, the epidural actually started running the opposite way. So, "mom" started getting shortness of breath and coughing because her respiratory system was getting numbed. Don't worry, we fixed it. Or rather, my battle-scarred nurse did. If some of the things we saw and experienced as nurses actually left physical proof I imagine the scene would play out something like this:

The hospital's halls were brightly lit with fluorescent lighting. Things on the Labor and Delivery unit had been quiet that day...too quiet. I had my hair pulled back, watch on, and stethoscope at the ready. Looking back, I didn't understand the meaning of the word ready.

"Pssst, hey kid," a nurse beckoned to me from behind a computer, "Come here a second." She had frizzy gray hair, and a long line of scars adorned her arms. Cautiously, I wound my way behind the desk and sat down next to her. She pointed to a long, bulging keloid scar on her forearm. "See this? This was from a placental abruption in '92." She then rolled up her pant leg and on her ankle was an angry red wound. I counted the stitches, and couldn't believe that it only took 10, it looked bad enough to contain at least 15. "And this," she continued, "this was from a cord prolapse as they wheeled me and the patient in for the emergency c-section."

Yeah. That's pretty much how I picture it. And today, that last bit about the prolapse actually happened today. And this was pretty much how I reacted:




Not my best moment.

One of my personal goals as nurse is to be one of the people that my co-workers say "I'm so glad she was there."

Not: "And Maria was on that night, you know how that goes."

And that probably wouldn't have happened.

To be fair, my veteran nurse said this was the second time she's seen a prolapsed cord in her 20+ year career. So I'll cut myself some slack.

But I seriously feel like a little black raincloud sometimes.

On " The glass is half full" side of things, I'm so glad all of this has happened when I've been with an experienced nurse, and not on my own. And all of this has been such a wonderful learning experience. For that, I really am grateful.

But it would be alright with me if the little black raincloud went away for a few days!

The NCLEX part 2

While I was taking the NCLEX, a most remarkable thing had happened. I was relaxed. The entire time. Once I left that room though, I felt like I had been in a coma. I didn't know up from down or what on earth had just happened. I think I was too shocked to cry. It is quite typical for graduates who have just taken the NCLEX to sob hysterically the whole car ride home. Not one little tear. Just a blank stare the whole half hour ride home. There was no way I could have passed. Not with the majority of the questions being SATA.

Many of the people who had wished me "Good luck!" before the test called to see how it went. I told them I didn't think that it went all that well. How could it? Not with those questions. They accounted for well over half of my test. And, on the drive home, I thought of two more that I knew I had gotten wrong. I told them I'd know for sure by Tuesday, but wasn't very optimistic at this point. It wasn't until Ty got home that I really broke down. I cried for the $200 more that we would have to spend on a !@#$ test. I cried for more of my time lost. I cried in sheer frustration at how ridiculous of a test this was. I cried because I didn't know what else I could have done differently. I cried because it was a cruel trick that had been played on me. I thought I had gotten my life and my time back. Now I would become a prisoner to studying again. He is such a good husband and just let me weep, wail, and gnash my teeth. He was convinced however, that I had passed. "You always think that you do horrible," he said "and wind up passing. I'm sure you passed it."

I wouldn't allow myself such optimistic thoughts. We made a bet. He said that I had passed, I was certain that I had failed. Our wager: Being the main teacher for our Primary class. For a month.
Our class contains a few hellions. And a stripper. (Seriously, every week it is a challenge to keep this kid clothed.) It sure was going to be nice to get a month's break from these rascals.

I've once read a description- I can't remember what it was about, my guess would be a mental health disorder, but it goes something like this. "On the surface they look very calm, when underneath they are filled with turmoil." That is about how the weekend went. I worked Saturday night, and it was calming to hear people say that they knew someone who had to take the NCLEX four times before they passed. Or that the girl in the top of their class had to take it twice. They also reassured me that the job which I'd been hired on for, would still be there. It did make me feel better, but underneath there was still the anxiety and the anticipation. I didn't know if I had passed or failed. (Yeah, that's another little gem standing out from among the NCLEX's crown jewels. There is no 85% that they tell you. It's black and white with these guys. Pass or fail.)

That was the longest weekend of my life.(So far). I checked the Division of occupational licensing website. I wasn't going to allow myself to be completely obsessive and check it every hour, just twice a day. Every time I looked, the screen popped up showing that I was still a 'Licensced Practical Nurse'- not a Registered Nurse. Each time I looked was an assurance that I would be facing the NCLEX again.

I had checked this little website Monday morning, and still, no sign of being a Registered Nurse, a REAL Nurse. So I went about my day, doing some laundry, watching some Netflix, running, and trying not to think about altering my life again to fit NCLEX studying in it. Tyson came home from work. He said, "As of an hour ago, it still hasn't been posted." I gave a dejected sigh and opened my arms for a hug. He gave me my much needed hug and we headed towards the computer room. He then asked me a pivotal question, "Should we pay the money and find out the quick result answers?"

Okay, the quick result answers are the NCLEX's way of trying to make up for being such a phenomenal pain in the keister. It puts you out of t he agony of not knowing, but it still has a small price. $8. My anxiety had lasted long enough. And c'mon, $8 wasn't going to break us. $8 could buy peace of mind. Any more "under the surface" simmering and I was sure to boil over. I told him yes, we could find out the results. (I think he was just as stressed about this as I was, only he handled it much better than I did.)

He was driving the computer at this point, and logged in to Pearson Vue. We found the Quick Results link and clicked on that. I tell ya, each click about put me over the edge. I would think that the next screen popping up would be the one, the one to tell me how to plan the next months of my life and NO. Instead it would want to verify my card and click to proceed.

But the one little screen finally did appear. It would have had to, sooner or later.

Glancing through the little box, it identified me as the candidate, the time and place where I took the NCLEX and the last little row said pass.

PASS.

I know some people don't believe that miracles happen anymore. But this, my friends, was a miracle. I had passed. I had passed with the majority of the questions being the fiendish SATA. I had passed. Life. Could. BEGIN. We did spend the next five minutes making sure that it hadn't been a mistake; that these results were really did indicate that I had indeed passed the NCLEX. Yes, these "unofficial" results were true. I had passed.

Halle-frickin-lu-YA!!

We quickly spread the good word around. I was so relieved. And a bit dumbfounded too. Could I really truly and honestly start my life up, like I had planned after graduation? Was I really going to get to work as a RN? Was I really, truly and honestly a Real Nurse?


Yup. :D

So, now my friends, it is official. LIFE BEGINS.

I'll keep you posted on how the next month of Primary goes.

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU FOR YOUR LOVE, SUPPORT, and PRAYERS. IT MADE ALL THE DIFFERENCE.

The NCLEX part 1

It was a cruel trick. Most people after graduating get to be 100% completely free. As far as I know, this is true for 99% of graduates. Nursing graduates are the 1% difference. I had forgotten about the nasty NCLEX. You see, the NCLEX is this extremely difficult and quite ridiculous exam you have to take in order to get your license. My time was, once again, not my own. Instead it was devoted to studying. Ok, so maybe not entirely devoted seeing as how I spent about two weeks up in Brigham City with my best girlfriends- my sisters- but that is besides the point. The point is that whenever there is something looming over your head; a deadline, an exam, or anything that causes your thoughts to wander towards the impending doom, you feel like slave to that one thought. Because no matter what you get to do for a few hours, or days or even minutes, you always have to return to that one horrible thing hanging out in the back of your mind. Yes, the NCLEX had become my nemesis.

I think the reason the NCLEX is so extremely difficult is because it tests you in ALL areas of nursing. In the real world, a nurse will generally work in one area; perhaps surgery, medical, emergency or mom/baby. Unless you are a "float" nurse, you find your little niche of the nursing world and generally stick to it. But in the NCLEX world, you need to know about ALL the different areas of nursing. Ridiculous. And to be honest, it's impossible to know it all. Which is why we generally find our one love of the nursing world and stick to it. However, the NCLEX doesn't take this into consideration.
Here is a sample question:

When assessing the client with chest pain the nurse obtains a thorough history. Which statement by the client is most suggestive of angina pectoris?
a. The pain lasted for about 45 minutes.
b. The pain resolved after I ate a sandwich.
c. The pain worsened when I took a deep breath.
d. The pain occurred while I was mowing the lawn.

Now, these type of questions are alright, because I can generally whittle it down to two of the four answers. (The answer is D, for those who are curious) However, get me against this next type of question, and I feel helpless.

In a client with chronic bronchitis, which signs should lead the nurse to suspect right-sided heart failure (cor pulmonale)? Select all that apply.
a. Circumoral cyanosis
b.Jugular vein distention
c. Productive cough
d. Leg edema
e. Hepatosplenomegaly
f. Bilateral crackles

These questions are particularly beastly because should you omit one answer, you get it wrong. If you added one more, you get it wrong. (The correct answer here is b, d, and e). Looking at it either way, you seem doomed to fail. I wasn't too worried, because in all of my flashcards and reading that I had done, the majority of the questions were the standard four-answer multiple choice. I could afford to get the putrid SATA question wrong.

Friday, June 10 at 1:00 p.m. was my scheduled date to face-off with this nasty fiend. And the day came much quicker than I anticipated it would. (WHY is that? If we are absolutely dreading something, why is it that time seems to speed right up? If we are eagerly awaiting something, time moves slower than a turtle watching paint dry. WHY is that?!) I arrived at the testing center a half-hour early, just like my little paper told me to. The reason they want you to come so early is so they can do an eye scan, brain scan, fingerprint and palm scans, take pictures of your face and pull a strand of hair for DNA testing. Just checking to make sure you are who you say you are.

The gentleman who was going to be proctoring for the next 55 min. was very nice. He even let me pick whatever computer I wanted. He recommended 1 or 6, because those were the ones in the corners of the room. I chose 6. And I began my NCLEX duel.

The first question: SELECT ALL THAT APPLY. I took a deep breath and remembered in my study guide books, it told me to go through each option and label it as "true" or "false". I did just that. Next question: SELECT ALL THAT APPLY. What?! Ok, just breathe, you can do this... *click* onto the next one: SELECT ALL THAT APPLY. SELECT ALL THAT APPLY. SELECT ALL THAT APPLY. Oh good, here is a nice multiple choice one. But, which one of the two answers IS it? SELECT ALL THAT APPLY. SELECT ALL THAT APPLY. Math?! Oh dear, my brain panics when I even read the word...SELECT ALL THAT APPLY. SELECT ALL THAT APPLY. SELECT ALL THAT APPLY. SELECT ALL THAT APPLY.

That was pretty much how the whole exam went. Right up until question 75 when the computer clicked off, having determined if I was "minimally" competent. It had been little over an hour since I started. I raised my hand for the proctor to come escort me out of the room and I shuffled out of the room in a zombie-like state. Numbly I held my hand up for them to scan my palm and fingerprint so I could leave the building. What just happened?!? The majority of the questions on my test were SATA- that was NOT supposed to happen. I was baffled, dazed, and confused. My final coherent thought:

I should have picked computer number 1.

Life Begins

SO....Now what?

Seriously. I had no idea what to do with all my new free time. I took a week to do some spring cleaning, it was painful, but it needed to be done. But when your schedule goes from looking like this:

To this:

One wonders just what to do.

But I did find things to do, things that would fill up my schedule rather quickly. The first thing is something that I've been dreaming to do for a long time. Write a book. So. I'm starting to write. It's going to be quite the adventure, and I thought, why not blog about it? Follow me at http://doingitwrite26.blogspot.com

The next thing that I'm going to do is something that you already know. Yeah, I'm trying to be a runner. I figured I may as well blog about that one too, so if you get really bored and desperate in all your blog-stalking you can find my running journey at http://runfastrunslowjustgo.blogspot.com

It's gunna be good.

Happy Ending

I don't think I've ever been so happy to hear those two little words, "The End." I graduated April 22, 2011 from Weber State University with an Associate of Science degree in Nursing. The end came. FINALLY. I was surprised as I was sitting down there with all of the graduates because I almost started crying. So many emotions; so extremely happy to be here- that I did it. A LOT nervous and scared to be taking this next step in my career (I have a career!). And so FREE, complete freedom. I'm not a slave to school anymore. Mostly, I felt grateful. Grateful I've had so much help and support along the way. Grateful for all of my friends and family, without whose help, I wouldn't have made it through these past two semesters. It was a very bumpy road, with the unexpected death of my Aunt and also my cousin's husband. It was hard. Emotionally and physically. There were times I wanted to quit, but with the help and love of my wonderful friends and my family, I did it. My happy ending to Nursing school came.

I walked and got my diploma!

My favorite girls came to watch me graduate! Here's one of them:

The amazing people pictured below (minus one-she disappeared after we walked!) are my friends who helped me get through endless tests, assignments and discussions. Thanks girls!

More friends!

We all felt like dancing, but Allie had the best moves by far.

My family, love them so much!

My other family, love them too!

My best friend. He is so amazing and the no. 1 reason I made it through school. His words of encouragement and love made all the difference.

We had a graduation dinner and my classmates nominated me to speak, Tyson recorded it, but it was pretty noisy and I need to figure out how to clean it up so you can hear me. Until then, here is my graduation speech. I love Happy Endings!

Celebrating the End

Up until my Junior year in high school, I had wanted to be a veterinarian. I took a lifeguard course and often times would go in early to practice the rescue techniques we had learned the day before. One such morning, a young man who was swimming laps had a heart attack in the pool. Along with my coach and other classmates, we performed CPR and followed the protocol until the ambulance took him to the hospital. Despite all of our best efforts, the young man passed away. That incident changed my course in life. While I still maintain a love for animals, I knew that I needed to first help my fellowmen. Nursing was the career choice that would allow me to serve others and affect lives.

Some of you may have had a similar experience. I think the realization that we have all come to is that when you are a nurse, everyday you will touch a life, or a life will touch yours. That is the honor and privilege of being a nurse. We have all taken different paths to get here, and here we are, the end of a journey, ready to sign "RN" at the end of our name.

Thank you for allowing me to share some thoughts with you tonight. Some of you know me quite well, and to others, I may just be a face. So, for a little something about me- I. Am addicted to Twilight. And as I started thinking about things I could possibly say tonight, a passage from those books came to me. The main character is graduating and she has this to say:

"I was glad things could end on a good note. Because it was an ending, no matter what the valedictorian had to say about commencement meaning "beginning" and all the rest of the trite nonsense...we were all leaving something behind us today."

As we complete this portion of our lives, it has really struck me that this is an ending to our formal Nursing education; an end to something that has so wholly engrossed our lives. I almost felt like running around in a panic with a little cardboard sign proclaiming, "The end is near!!!"

And I thought well, that doesn't necessarily mean that an end has to be a bad thing. After all, who is going to miss the 4 a.m. panic attack of, "Oh crap. That was due. YESTERDAY." Or logging onto WSU online countless times a day? Forking over your piggy bank to tuition? Stress about deadlines, tests, and ridiculous discussions? I, for one, will NOT miss any of those.

But there will be things that we will miss. Things like, using our brain and increasing our knowledge. Some may even miss having something to complain about. I think for most, we will miss the sense of community. Even though school is an individual task, we have rallied together to make sure no one was left behind. We will miss the friends that we have made. but thankfully, email, cell phones, and Facebook can help us stay better connected.

As we close this chapter of our lives, we get to take some things with us. One thing is the starched stiff uniforms we get to keep, but mostly, we will keep the numerous memories we have made. From the early days of LPN school, to the Capstone experiences in our RN program, each day spent in class, on the road, in the testing center, was a memory and one day closer to our goals.

We are a week away from achieving a major goal in our lives. Graduation. Think of everything that waits for us! There is so much that we are going to be able to do with our time! And freedom is so close. We might finally get around to the home projects that have been waiting for awhile. We might plant a garden, take a MUCH needed vacation, or simply spend more time with our families.

Think of what each of you are going to do as a nurse! Some of you are going to help patients through surgery, others might help patients recover on a med/surg floor. Some will help cancer patients through the most difficult days of their life. There are so many options for each of us, who knows where we will end up? There is one thing that I do know. I know that each day, every one of you are going to give your best to your patients. You are going to touch lives, you are going to change them, You, are going to make the difference.

This is the end of a very significant phase in life. After jumping through so many hoops, maybe we almost felt like we might end up as circus performers instead of nurses. But, we're here. We are at the end. We have achieved a phenomenal goal in life. I know I wouldn't have made it here without the support of my family and without all of you. Music often speaks to my heart, and I feel that these lyrics from the Broadway musical Wicked, are for all of you.

"It well may be, that we may never meet again in this lifetime, so let me say before we part, so much of me is made of what I learned from you; you'll be with me, like a hand print on my heart. And now whatever way our stories end, I know you have re-written mine by being my friend. Because I knew you, I have been changed for good."

Friends, let us look forward to the future, live vibrantly in the present and celebrate the end! Congratulations Weber State University 2011 Nursing class!!! We did it!!